Ir vs. Un

ST. LOUIS, MO. Last Saturday night Steph and I dined with our dear friends, Dick and Sybil Towner, on a deck overlooking their garden. We were flooded with decade-old memories of the smells and sounds and tastes associated with their home. Dick and Sybil truly have the spiritual gift of hospitality. Steph lived with them for six months before we were married. Hospitality gives guests freedom to rest and be themselves. I anticipated that our evening with these wise friends would dislodge some of the experiences in this sabbatical I am trying to make sense of.

Dick and Sybil love a good story and they have an uncanny ability to elicit a good story, even from an unsure storyteller. They listened intently to our 10 year tale, then celebrated what God has done. Then Sybil asked me a question that I have been grappling with the past six days: “Ted, do you know the difference between being irresponsible and un-responsible?”

Responsible vs. Irresponsible, I completely get.

Responsibility involves playing your role, keeping your word, rising to the challenge, exceeding expectations. I’ve always been responsible. You might say it’s part of the Ted-essence. Irresponsiblity . . . I hate it. I fear it in myself and judge it in others. An irresponsible person turns his/her back on obligations. They lack consistency. No one wants to count on them.

What is un-responsibility? First of all, I checked Dictionary.com. It’s not a word.

Many of you know my story. At an early age, I was thrust into an inappropriate position of responsibility, playing a priest role for very broken people as a preschooler. That was my crucible for learning responsibility. I’m good if I help people with their pain. I’m bad (irresponsible) if I don’t. Whenever some utters the words “I need you,” I’m duty-bound to act.

Un-responsibility sounds careless, dangerously similar to it’s brother, Ir. Being un-responsible involves looking at a need or hearing a plea, and calmly and confidently responding, “I’m not responsible for that.” It does not negate godly responsibility. I still have obligations and promises to fulfill, some which require sacrifice. However, I cannot feel responsible for everything, and I must learn to rank my responsibilities.

What are the things I am responsible for that no other person can be?

My health. My intimacy with Christ. My relationship with Steph. My nurturing of Gray, Aiden, and Melia. My sleep. My character. My friendships. My calling. My gifts. My legacy. My dreams.

Because many of the items in the list do not scream loudly in my ear their needs, I have become irresponsible about some of them in the past. I have sacrificed them for the demands of many people and situations that I am, in reality, un-responsible for.

Now begins the difficult task of naming some of things I will be un-responsible for. And more frightening is the prospect of the reaction when some of these people, places, and things hear me tell them that I can’t be totally responsible for them.

Can you help me get the ball rolling? What are some things I (or you) can be un-responsible for without being irresponsible? (This is a prompt to post on this blog. No need to write War and Peace. Just a line or two can work.)