Friday, May 18, 2007

The Silent Treatment

CREEDE, CO -- Paraphrasing the 18th Century poet Robert Burns, Steinbeck wrote, "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

I had certain plans drawn up for this week in CO. I envisioned restful sleep, the conquering of mountain trails, worship in nature, and sweet communion with God. I brought along three journals, an mp3 player stuffed with sermons, and a large box of books. Though I had not articulated it, my main goal in coming here was to have my connection with God repaired (or rather, repair it myself).

Every morning so far I have awakened (from a restless night of sleep) and planned out my day -- what books I want to tackle, what mountain trail I intend to explore, what I want to eat, and how I desire God to speak to me.

This isn't working. I'm mostly getting the silent treatment.

This is just like me -- to try to orchestrate God's response to me. Maybe you've heard me quote Chesterton from the second chapter of Orthodoxy before: "Poets do not go mad; but chess-players do. Mathematicians go mad, and cashiers; but creative artists very seldom. I am not, as will be seen, in any sense attacking logic: I only say that this danger does lie in logic, not in imagination."

While I can think of several notable artists that have gone mad, I understand his point. Sometimes I attempt to move God around on the chess board so that he gives me what I want.

And what do I want? I was talking to God about this on a hike yesterday. "Life" for me is to get applause, to impress people so much that they affirm that I am unique or lovable or praiseworthy. "Death" for me is someone expressing disappointment or anger towards me. I move the chess board around so as to get as much "life" as I can and avoid as much "death" as possible.

I think he spoke to me: "And how is that working for you? Have you successfully found life and avoided death?" I would have preferred a continuation of the silent treatment.

Honestly, the pursuit of applause is what makes me miserable. It is what drives me to over-work, over-obsess, and over-heat. And when I do hear cheers, they feel empty. As for death, I can't avoid it. The more I take on in order to get applause, the more I disappoint people.

As I processed this with the Lord yesterday, I confessed that real "life" is to bring glory to him. That is when I feel most alive. Real "death" is separation from him. That's why I have needed this sabbatical. I've been experiencing some degree of that death the past few years.

I further realized that rather than pursuing real life, I have been medicating the death feelings through escaping into watching too much television, over-eating, and other activities.

Once I confessed all of that, God again went silent. Why?

Perhaps it's time for me to be silent.

3 comments:

To him said...

"When He had heard therefore that he was sick, He abode two days in the same place where he was." John 11:6

Has God trusted you with a silence - a silence that is big with meaning? God's silences are His answers. Think of those days of absolute silence in the home at Bethany! Is there anything analogous to those days in your life? Can God trust you like that, or are you still asking for a visible answer? God will give you the blessings you ask if you will not go any further without them; but His silence is the sign that He is bringing you into a marvelous understanding of Himself.

Are you mourning before God because you have not had an audible response? You will find that God has trusted you in the most intimate way possible, with an absolute silence, not of despair, but of pleasure, because He saw that you could stand a bigger revelation. If God has given you a silence, praise Him, He is bringing you into the great run of His purposes. The manifestation of the answer in time is a matter of God's sovereignty. Time is nothing to God. For a while you said - "I asked God to give me bread, and He gave me a stone." He did not, and today you find He gave you the bread of life.

A wonderful thing about God's silence is that the contagion of His stillness gets into you and you become perfectly confident - "I know God has heard me." His silence is the proof that He has. As long as you have the idea that God will bless you in answer to prayer, He will do it, but He will never give you the grace of silence. If Jesus Christ is bringing you into the understanding that prayer is for the glorifying of His Father, He will give you the first sign of His intimacy - silence.

Oswald Chambers

Anonymous said...

Funny, when you talked in a sermon about "life" & "death" I thought you already said that really they weren't those personal worldly definitions but walking with and without God. Maybe this post is saying you know this more in your gut now. I'm glad for your recognition of your temptation to organize God's dealing with you on this sabbatical. He may not even complete what He is doing in the time you have available and set apart. Remember that even when things don't "feel" good, He will never leave you nor forsake you. It's all that really matters.

the bbc said...

sounds like "satuday" to me...